Thursday, March 17, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
How to save a friendship
"Friends are like stars. You don't always see them but you know they are there." Once said by someone wise, this quote sums up how easy it is to take a friendship for granted, and yet, just as stars fade away, so do friendships from time to time. Whether it's because your circumstances have changed, time has passed and eroded commonalities, or something has been said or done that has spoiled things between you, it's sad and often painful to experience a fading or dying friendship.
If you believe that it's worth trying to save your friendship, then it is worth it. The only time it's not worth trying is when you've stopped believing in the friendship. So, if you're still stirred by a friendship that has given you priceless moments, unconditional love, and treasured memories, at least give saving the friendship a chance. While problems are inevitable, if both of you see the value in saving the friendship, focusing on fixing things may just be effective, and your friendship may even come through this trial better and stronger than before.
STEPS
Act now. The moment you're aware that there's a chasm opening wider than the Grand Canyon between the two of you, do something about it. Waiting will only bring about an inevitable permanency of the loss of your friendship. Be prepared to be the one who makes the initial steps; your friend may be laboring under the belief that it's something you've done to harm the friendship, so it's not worth waiting around for her to solve things.
Do some honest analysis of the situation. Sit down and think back to where it all went wrong. Was it your fault? Was it something you said or did or didn't say or do although you should have? This involves thinking about your inaction as well, such as all those times you failed to make a call to see how your friend was, or when you missed appointments, or failed to show up at important events.
If it was your fault, apologize. Briefly explain your side of the story and avoid making excuses or shifting the blame. By taking responsibility for your part in damaging the friendship, you demonstrate to your friend that your desire to keep them as a friend is more important than your pride or sense of self-righteousness.
Talk, talk, talk. If you can't seem to find the reason for the growing interpersonal distance between you and your friend, suggest that the two of you simply talk. Tell your friend that you're sad that things don't seem to be that great between the two of you anymore and that you'd really like to work out whether it might be possible to restore the friendship you had in the past. Your willingness to work through the issues will be appreciated, especially if you make it clear that you're totally open to hearing their side of the story. Try not to interrupt your friend while explaining their side of the story. Instead, listen attentively.
Listen to your friend. If a third party has been telling different stories to both of you to cause conflicts, listening to your friend is the best way to spot it. Ask who told them that if you hear that you said something you'd never say in a million years. It's amazing how fast a third party liar's mind games blow up in their face once the victims compare notes. So even if someone is trying to avoid you, ask why and be prepared to listen no matter what your friend says.
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